I Wish I Were A Liberal

I wish I were a liberal. Life would be much easier. I could "claim victory" when talking about Barack Obama's presidential election. Any hardcore, in-depth policy question could be answered by simply saying (while pointing and smirking at the uninformed conservative), "Yes, we can!" or defending President Obama's "presidential swagger" that is apparently only visible to his followers.

I wish I were a liberal because I'd always be a winner. Trophies for all! Losing and/or failing is not an option. Ego, not hard work and the determination to succeed, is the most important quality. If that doesn't work, I can always blame someone weaker than me. But, technically I believe that we are all equal; so don't question me when I go out of my way to promote inequality and class warfare.

I wish I were a liberal because innocent life would have no value. Potential and morality would be trumped by choice and incoherent explanations of how suctioning/destroying a life is not really ending a life, but correcting an honest mistake. Makes sense, right?

I wish I were a liberal because I wouldn't have to worry about racists, homophobes, ignorance, or the mentally inept. That's for those crazy, out-of-touch conservatives.

I wish I were a liberal because I could blame everything on global warming. Lost my job? Global warming! Dog died? Must be that darn global warming. Toilet clogged? Yep, global warming. 90 degrees in July? Come on, has to be global warming. The best part? If I go with the flow and agree with the "scientists" I can probably cash in on the biggest get rich scheme ever derived.

I wish I were a liberal because then the news would make complete sense. CNN and MSNBC would alwasy know exactly what is on my mind. How do they do that?

I wish I were a liberal because "I'd be able to redefine reality to my own specifications. I could turn failure into success, murder into choice, lies into 'misstatements', and theft into investment. I would automatically be considered wise, instead of opinionated. Best of all, I could make up the rules as I go along, change them in midstream and then demonize anyone who doesn't agree with me" (Morgan, 2009).

Before I am able to join this community of man, however, there are a few ground rules:

I have to acknowledge that government is the best and only solution for any problems America has. Despite the fact that pretty much every government solution to date has been a disaster.

I must agree that America is bad and white Christian males are responsible for all that is wrong with the world. Further, I must agree that terrorists and third world dictators are either freedom fighters or misunderstood men of good would.

Oh, and I must acknowledge that dialogue is better than war. Even though decades of dialogue haven't worked, things are different, now that Obama is president. I must have faith. After all, the times, they are a changin'.

I'd, of course, be expected to not only condone, but happily embrace gay marriage and the long list of newly minted sexual behaviors, and swear to never mention the adverse health risks or the proven harm they do to traditional families.

I'd also have to quit judging people. (Except conservatives.) After all, liberals would allow me to do whatever I want, free from moral censure, and it's only fair I do the same for them.

I'd have to immediately quit smoking, in public at least. I'd be required to agree that global warming is real and man is the cause. Even though the earth has cooled in the last decade, everyone knows its still getting warmer. I'd also have to renounce Christianity in favor of Mother Earth and believe that the Constitution is a 'living instrument'.

I'd have to agree that victimhood trumps merit and that liberals know best. Always. And lastly, I'd have to support the notion that racism is still rampant, even if it is the silent 'institutional' type.

In return, I'll be accepted, popular, and invited to the best parties. I'll be eligible for the right to housing, health care, a living wage (even if I don't work) and happiness. And as long as I remain a liberal, no-one is allowed to insult me. How cool is that (Morgan, 2009)?